Have you ever been so scared that you almost feel like you are suffocating? That is exactly how I have felt most of my pregnancy this time around.
Arya Grace is our rainbow baby. For those that do not know what rainbow baby means; it is a baby conceived after a loss. My husband and I suffered two miscarriages in the year 2018. This broke me and changed the way I felt about being pregnant.
All of our babies…
When I discovered I was pregnant with my son, our first born, I was super excited. Sure, I was slightly nervous because…well, it was my first pregnancy, and the statistics you hear about loss but it had not yet become my reality.
I told my family and close friends about him right after finding out. We still waited to announce it to social media until I was a bit further along but we were both so excited.
Finding out about Jellybean, our first loss, I was again ecstatic. We were going to be adding another member to the family. I told my husband right away and we told our family and close friends and this time we announced it on social media pretty early on.
Then tragedy struck on January 1st 2018 we learned that our little one no longer had a heartbeat and I was completely crushed. After announcing our heartbreaking loss I begged everyone to leave me and my family alone while we tried to get through this somehow.
Finding out about Sprout, our second loss, was much less exciting. It was almost as though my body knew something was wrong and that I was not going to meet this baby either.
Not many people knew I was pregnant, just in case something were to happen. Once I discovered I was losing this baby, I told everyone who knew and later announced that we had gained another little angel.
Finding out about Arya has been unlike anything.
My best friend was in the room with me when I took my pregnancy test and I looked at her already crying. The first words to leave my mouth were “this is just going to be another loss.”
My friend called my doctor right away and I was started on progestrone supplements in an attempt to prevent another loss.
My entire first trimester I found it hard to be excited or to be happy. I was scared and did not think this would end any better. I didn’t even tell my husband right away. I was very hesitant because I did not want him to worry.
I ended up telling him when I got home from the doctor, and he knew I was terrified. We didn’t tell our family and friends for months. We waited until we got a couple scans and made sure things were looking good before telling anyone.
Getting ultrasounds and going to check ups is also a totally different experience when you are pregnant after loss. Every time I walked into an ultrasound room or the doctors office, I felt like I was suffocating and I could just hear the doctor telling me that our baby was gone over and over again.
I would have dreams about losing this baby and spend the next day crying and hoping that everything was still okay.
Progression with this pregnancy…
After we were further along I was able to get an at-home dopplar and listen to our little ones heartbeat. I would listen to it when I was feeling super worried and needed to ease my mind some.
Once I was able to feel movement, things would still terrify me. Like if she was having a lazy day and not moving as much I would assume something was wrong right away. My husband would sit and hug me trying to reassure me but nothing could ease my mind.
I am now currently 38 weeks pregnant with our baby girl, and I still get worried. The trust I once had for my body is no longer there.
I do not think my body is a safe place for her and that is not a good feeling to have. A lot of people have told me to not blame myself or to not blame my body that “these things just happen sometimes” but that’s pretty easy to say when it is not your body and your children.
Cope how you need to cope…
After going through a loss, it is totally normal to NOT feel excited when you find out you are pregnant again. You may automatically start thinking of losing that baby as well and that’s normal.
Like I said, when I found out I was pregnant with Arya after having gone through 2 losses, the first words I said were “this is going to be another loss.”
I wasn’t able to feel excited about this pregnancy until well over the 20 week mark. Even then I would think about how hard it would be to lose her.
Some tips that might help…
If you are finding out about a new pregnancy after loss and are struggling to find ways to cope, here are some things that helped me. I can never say that these tips will definitely work, but they might.
1- Find a good doctor.
I found a doctor who listened to me and cared about me so much. She addressed every concern I had and told me if I ever needed to come in that she would fit me into her schedule.
Find a doctor who will really take care of you and listen to you.
2- Cry when you need to.
I cried. I cried as much as I needed to. Don’t let anyone tell you how to cope.
Being pregnant after loss is not easy by any means, and the ones who don’t understand will try to tell you to be grateful for what you have. But it’s hard when, in your mind, you don’t have anything.
3- Find someone to talk to, anyway.
I talked to my friends who I knew were there for me and never rushed me to be “okay” again. Surrounding yourself with the RIGHT people is important.
4- Get a fetal doppler.
I used an at home doppler once I found out about her and she was big enough for me to find her heartbeat.
I will say I had one scare when she was still pretty small. I couldn’t find her heartbeat and it freaked me out so the doppler can be good but it can be scary. When I was able to find and listen to her heartbeat it did ease my mind some.
5- Join a support group.
I joined a group on social media with other women who are pregnant after a loss. It’s comforting to connect with someone going through the same thing as you. They understand on a personal level.
This goes back to surrounding yourself with the right people, but I think it’s good to know that there are groups of people out there who understand.
If you are trying to conceive after loss. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get your little rainbow soon.
If you have just experienced a loss and dont know if you want to try again. That is perfectly normal and nobody should be telling you to feel any different.
If you are going through pregnancy after loss, don’t be afraid to reach out if you feel like you need someone to talk to.
If you are struggling to find anyone to reach out to, I am more than happy to talk to anyone who needs someone to talk with. You can reach me by email at: [email protected]